Thomas Tuchel is not one for sugarcoating, and after England’s uninspiring 1-0 win over 173rd-ranked Andorra, the German tactician served up a chilly critique hotter than Barcelona’s summer sun. England may have escaped with three points, but they left their manager visibly unimpressed — and possibly reaching for some chamomile tea.
“I didn’t like the body language,” Tuchel fumed after the match. “We played with fire. It didn’t match the occasion. This is still a World Cup qualifier, not a Sunday kickabout in Hyde Park.” His concern was palpable — particularly in the last 20 minutes where England looked less like world-beaters and more like world-wanderers.
The Three Lions had 83% of the ball but did little with it, probing from distance and misfiring often. A lone goal from Harry Kane, England’s tireless captain, saved them from embarrassment. But Tuchel insists the team’s attitude was the real red card offense.
Bored in Barcelona: Where Was the Spark?
If the players looked flat, it might be because the fixture itself felt like a snoozefest. England versus Andorra, held in Barcelona due to Andorra’s pitch being… otherwise engaged (seriously), had all the energy of a tea party without the biscuits.
The conditions didn’t help. After a grueling domestic season and faced with hot, sticky weather, the players seemed more interested in surviving than shining. But excuses only go so far — especially when you’re ranked fourth in the world and playing a team whose national stadium was recently used for the “Games of the Small States of Europe.”
Roy Keane, never one to mince words, was blunt on ITV: “It looked like some of the players were bored in the last half an hour.” Lee Dixon added, “They’ll be getting pelters, no doubt about that.” It was a game where the scoreboard said “win,” but the vibes screamed “meh.”
Tinker Tuchel: Henderson’s Return & Tactical Shenanigans
Tuchel made five changes to the side that dispatched Latvia in March, including a reshuffled defense and a midfield surprise: the return of Jordan Henderson. The Ajax man hadn’t started for England since November 2023, but got the nod in Barcelona — and Tuchel made sure to back his decision.
“Jordan deserved to play. He brings something to the group — even if it’s just yelling a lot,” Tuchel joked (probably). Declan Rice was benched until the 81st minute, and Tuchel admitted the West Ham man seemed “a little out of rhythm.”
The experimental backline — with Curtis Jones at right-back and Reece James on the left — aimed to maximize possession. It worked on paper, but England’s final-third creativity was about as fluid as a stalled London bus. “We started well, but then lost rhythm and energy,” Tuchel admitted. “It’s not what we expect from ourselves.”
Madueke’s Moment: The Bright Spot in a Drab Show
If there was one Lion roaring louder than the rest, it was Noni Madueke. The Chelsea winger was England’s biggest threat and Tuchel didn’t hesitate to praise him: “He was the most dangerous player. You could feel his hunger.”
Madueke assisted Kane’s winner and led the team in chances created (4) and touches in the opposition box (12). Deployed on the left wing — opposite of his usual Chelsea slot — Madueke looked determined to make the spot his own. With England’s left side often lacking spark, the 23-year-old may just have submitted a strong application to fix that problem.
Though his teammates often drifted into second gear, Madueke stayed locked in. If England were a cup of flat lager, he was the lone frothy head. The rest of the squad, well, they fizzled before full-time.
Tuchel Demands More vs Senegal: “Time to Raise the Standard”
England’s next assignment is a friendly against Senegal at Nottingham Forest’s City Ground. But don’t expect Tuchel to treat it like a kickabout — he’s clearly using every game as a proving ground for players ahead of next summer’s finals.
“We need to present in detail what we didn’t like,” Tuchel said. “We’ll show them exactly what standards we expect. And then — we go again.” The manager clearly isn’t settling for wins alone; he wants performances that match England’s ranking and reputation.
If the Andorra game was the dress rehearsal, England’s shirt still has some loose threads. The win was a box ticked, sure. But in terms of convincing the nation (and the manager), they’ve still got work to do.
Final Whistle: England Win Ugly, But the Job’s Not Done
Let’s face it — England vs. Andorra was a game everyone expected to be a goal fest. Instead, it was a goal rest. Harry Kane’s poacher’s finish aside, there wasn’t much to remember.
But, as former City midfielder Michael Brown pointed out, the main thing is qualification. “It was a big disappointment but they did the job,” he said. And in tournament football, doing the job — however grimy — sometimes has to be enough.
Still, if Tuchel’s reaction is any indication, England’s next training session might involve a lot of video analysis, a sprinkle of tough love, and a reminder that ranking alone doesn’t win matches.
